If You Didn't Already Hate Chris Wallace

Here's a link to the Wallace-Kerry interview where Wallace again comes off like a little twerp. Also, here's a frank appraisal of the man from a random blog:

The best part of Chris Wallace ran down his mother's leg

To understand that sad little freak Chris Wallace, you just have to pick up any biography of his towering giant of a father, Mike Wallace. When little Chris was just a boy, his father was absent a lot. For this, he holds his father accountable. His resentment and jealousy against his old man is understandable. Many children of famous parents have had to deal with it.

But unlike most kids in that situation, little Chris never got over it. It would be an understatement to say Chris Wallace hates his father. It's more like a living fetish for him to waste every day of his life to embrace everything his liberal father loathed just for the sake of being contrary to everything Mike Wallace stands for and to become a whiny little corporate media cock-sucker that his father would also loathe.

"Look at me, daddy. Are you ashamed of me? Good! I'll make you sorry you never played catch with me!"

Chris Wallace is a picture of self-hatred and self-destruction. The next time you see him on television, try to have some pity for this pathetic little shit-bag. As a journalist and as a man, he wouldn't amount to a zit on Mike Wallace's ass.

O.J. Simpson's Book Deal Cancelled!

O.J. Simpson and his strange, random grabs for attention over the last few years (including murdering two people) are proof that reality is stranger than fiction. For example, no one in their right mind could ever have imagined that O.J. would ever be writing a memoir entitled "If I Did It", a book that would include a 'hypothetical' account of how he might have gone about murdering his ex-wife and her friend Ron Goldman. When I heard about this I thought it was a joke. But no. It's real. The book's publisher's spokeswoman even said she considered the book 'his confession', even though O.J. still insists he's innocent.

Rupert Murdoch, of the News Corporation, which owns FOX News and HarperCollins, the book's publisher, bowed to intense pressure from many people who apparently had a shred of moral fiber. So the book is cancelled and so are the interviews that would have appeared on FOX News. I for one am disappointed we can't look forward to Chris Wallace interviewing O.J., and getting up in his face about the details, though I doubt that would happen (I believe O.J.'s a Republican). Can you imagine that book and that interview, though? I can, for its entire 2-hour duration (I've got good imagination). Here's an excerpt from that interview.

Chris Wallace: So, O.J... Theorhetically, once you had the knife in your hand, would you have known what you were going to do next?
O.J.: No, Chris. I would have been a bit confused. There would have been a lot of anger running through me right then. I would have been half out of my mind and not knowing what I was going to do.
Wallace: So what would you have done next?
O.J.: Well, I think about that time I would have seen Nicole and Ron coming out from the front door. Now, remember, I loved my wife very much. And I would have never done anything to hurt her. But remember, in this instance we're talking about the theorhetical situation in which I wanted the bitch dead. A...uh...alternative universe, if you will, in which I wanted to stomp the life out of that little whore. Pardon me. Excuse me.
Wallace: I understand completely. So...whose throat would you have viciously slashed first?
O.J.: No, Chris. First I would have put on my gloves.

Trifling

It seems a few readers had problems with my use of the word 'trifling' in my last post. Some didn't understand it and some felt it was inappropriate to describe Carmen Sandiego. Here is a link to an urban dictionary and it shows the many ways 'trifling' can be used. I'm going with the second definition.

The Rhino and the Star Child

Lately I feel like Carmen Sandiego. Remember that trifling bitch from the video-game (and t.v. show) who nobody could find because she was always going around the world? Yeah, lately I've been travelling like a basketball player with tendonitis. I just got back from a secluded village in Austria to visit a couple of old agent friends of mine. They're retired now; well mostly retired. They still engage in some operations when their help is needed. Let me tell you about these two.

They call this guy the Rhino. He used to be a member of a German Mafia that operated out of Hamburg until he was recruited by our guys and became a double agent. He had perfected a special fighting move of his own that involved charging his enemies with his head and being able to incapacitate them in this fashion. The Rhino had an abnormally thick skull it was later discovered. Once a guy in Bonn actually shot the Rhino in the head with a .22 Ruger as he charged and they later retrieved the bullet from his head; it hadn't even penetrated his skull. Aside from his somewhat rough beginnings in the criminal underworld, the Rhino is a great guy. He downs copious amounts of beer at the local pub and makes a solid supplement to his savings by collecting on bar bets with strangers that he can't break various objects in the bar over his head. While I was there he did a flat-screen television. The pub owner isn't a big fan of his shenanigans, as you'd expect.

His wife is a rather mysterious former operative they still refer to as 'Star Child'. She was involved in the real StarGate remote viewing operations, and worked with Joseph McMoneagle in their psychic experiments. Legend has it that she remote-viewed the location of some of the nuclear missile installations during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Her mother was allegedly a psychic of some repute as well, being discovered in the Duke psychic experiments of the 1930's where she scored off the charts. They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

They are an interesting couple, to say the least. I had a very good time, drinking beer, gambling in some high-stakes home games, listening to some local musicians, walking the mountain trails. Though it is a bit unnerving to spend time with a psychic. When I was on my way out the door, departing their villa, the Star Child commented as if in a trance, "You're on your way to blow something up. Somewhere in the Middle East." I got the chills when she said that, because she was exactly right. Though when I think back on it, it could have just been a good guess on her part. You could say that to me pretty much any day in the last ten years and you would have been right.

Holy shit!

Part of our job is interacting with different, often strange, cultures, and no culture is more so than the Japanese. These guys are nuts, and I don't just mean the crazy-ass toilets.

Take this stunt for example. In America they would sue your ass for this. In Japan, though, they just point and laugh.


Now I'm not saying I don't get the joke, but that shit is just bizarre.

Snails On A Plain!

Have you heard about the giant African snails that are taking over Barbados? Here's an article about it:

A breed of giant, ravenous snails that first appeared in Barbados five years ago has thrived on the tropical island, destroying crops and prompting calls for the government to eliminate the slimy pests.A nocturnal "snail hunt" last weekend reported finding hundreds of thousands of giant African snails swarming the central parish of St. George, the country's agricultural heartland where farmers had complained of damage to crops including sugar cane, bananas and papayas.

"We saw snails riding on each other's backs and moving in clusters," said David Walrond, chairman of the local emergency response office that organized 60 volunteers for the hunt. "You're just crunching the shells as you're walking through."

The volunteers sprayed government-supplied pesticides in gullies and other cool, low-lying areas where the snails are believed to breed, venturing out after dark to catch the snails as they emerge from spending the day underground. Walrond's brigade plans to continue its assault over the next three weekends.The snails, which are about the size of a human hand, are known to consume as many as 500 different plants and their mucous can transmit meningitis and other diseases.

I like this guy talking about the snails like they're enemy combatants. I can imagine it must have been pretty intimidating to see them riding on each other's backs and moving in clusters. It's a good thing they have a 'brigade'. Must be a pretty tough fight for these guys; 'Don't let 'em get away, boys!'

I kind of wonder if this is some kind of secret war against Barbados by one of the other Caribbean nations due to Barbados' high ranking in the developing countries and its popularity as a tourism spot. It's got one of the highest standards of living and literacy rates in the developing countries. Interestingly, Japan and Barbados are the two countries with the highest per capita rates of centenarians in the world.

The Man Without A Face

One of the more interesting characters in the spy game was, as we put it in the business, 'permanently disavowed' today when he died in his sleep at his home in Berlin. Markus Wolf was known in the intelligence community since the Cold War days as the "Man Without A Face" because for a long time Western intelligence could not get a picture of him. He is one of my personal role models, not for his politics or his blind obedience to the East German Stasi (mostly assholes), but for his professionalism and his dedication to improving spycraft (and for his penchant for dressing rather sharply). Some of his innovations have become business as usual; for example, the 'Romeo Method', as they call it; he sent out young male agents to seduce lonely secretaries in foreign offices in order to gain access to secret documents. This is a practice that I still find useful, as well as just plain fun even when there are no documents involved. An interesting note; Wolf noted in his memoir that many of the spies sent to 'infiltrate' these secretaries ended up having long and successful marriages with their targets. Suckers.

Wolf even wrote a cookbook; Secrets of Russian Cooking. In it, he talks about the similarities between espionage and making food, which I wouldn't know anything about. I can make a four-course gourmet meal from the common ingredients you'd find at your local gas station (part of our training), but when it comes to cooking, I don't get near the enjoyment from making a seafood bisque as I do, for example, seducing secretaries. Plus I don't see the similarities. He also uses the opportunity to complain about how the world has viewed him very unfavorably due to his work under the corrupt and generally evil Stasi. I can think of no better place than to defend your standing in history than in a cookbook. (Interesting review of book here)

He and Mr. Jones Had A Thing Going On (Allegedly)

Are all conservatives perverts now? Everytime I turn on the news or read the paper, I'm seeing something about ministers and congressman engaging in sexual behavior that would make Monica Lewinsky blush. Is there something about being uptight and sexually repressed and morally righteous that leads to these people just turning into complete hypocritical sex maniacs? We had Mark Foley and that wasn't too bad; (people were saying he was a pedophile but that isn't true; he liked young men, not young boys; give the guy a break. His biggest problem was in not reading this book first.) And Foley blames his problems on being molested by his Catholic priest 40 years ago when he was an altar boy. And I'm sure that priest would point to some other priest who touched him inappropriately, etc., etc., all the way back to the days of Jesus...

So now we have Ted Haggerd, one of evangelical right's more prominent figures, being outed by a male prostitute named Michael Jones (MIKE JONES!!!! WHAT IT DO?) who says that Haggerd has been seeing him for sex for three years now, and also buying some methamphetamine. Haggerd defends himself by saying that he only called upon the male prostitute's services for back massages (completely understandable), and that he admitted buying some methamphetamine from Jones but ended up flushing it down the toilet because he thought that drugs were bad. Good explanations all. I know that I often go over to the red-light districts looking for a midnight cowboy so I can take him home and let him give me a really professional back massage. Also, I can understand how, being a minister, you might give in to the temptation to buy some hard-core drugs like fucking meth or crack cocaine and then think, 'Hey, what the fuck, I'm a minister, I can't be doing this shit' and flush it all down the toilet. Perfectly understandable to me.

Haggerd was elected three years ago as the President of the National Association of Evangelicals, an umbrella group that represents 45,000 churches, and he has ties to the Bush administration. It was his stance on gay marriage that supposedly drove Mr. Jones to come forward and clear the air. “He’s preaching against homosexuals and yet he’s having gay sex behind people’s backs,” Mr. Jones said. (By the way, where else are you going to have gay sex? LOL) Male prostitutes are evidently very civic-minded these days. These aren't your father's male prostitutes, back when it was all just about sex and money and everyone kept their mouth shut unless they were being paid to keep their mouth open. There are some very politically active whores out there today, and Haggerd would have known this if he had read this book.

Check out this video from a few years ago with Haggerd versus Richard Dawkins. Very disturbing.


Also, this is kind of interesting; the transcripts of the Mark Foley/page text interactions. Get ready to vomit.... here

Since it's on YouTube, I guess we can come clean about these tests

This copyrighted stuff on YouTube is really getting out of hand. But since it's up there, I guess we can now come clean about our organization's efforts to create a flying Lincoln Continental. A car about which the White Ghost once said, "Is so aerodynamically perfect, it seems a shame not to strap a rocket to it."

Well, despite White Ghost's best efforts, the results of the test are made pretty clear in the video. Probably not one of our finest hours.

We had a few more tests in 1978, but the results were about the same, and we ended the program not long after.

Anyway, I hope Comedy Central is successful in getting all these videos taken down from YouTube. There are a couple of other movies floating around out there that I'd prefer weren't readily available for public consumption.

Hey kids, wanna not get laid?

... Then buy this steaming pile. Holy crap, you'd have to be retarded to want this.

Here's a tip: If you want to pretend to be a spy, don't write "I'm a spy" on your briefcase. Instead, stand around looking cool and know that you could kill everyone around you. Don't just pretend it. Know it.

White Ghost is going to vomit when I show him this.

I've Got A Good Feeling About This

A lot of people dismiss these emails we get sometimes that purport to be from African businessmen who are in a bind and need to transfer money to a safe U.S. account. But I got one today that really seems like the real deal to me. I don't know; something about it just rings true. And take it from someone who has done a lot of money laundering. It could be the better than average English or the emotional yet objective way the man makes his case. Call me gullible but I'm going to give him a call today.

Greetings,

My name is Mr.Richard Kofi Addo, the regional manager of Barclays Bank of Ghana Ltd takoradi branch in the western region of Ghana. I write you this proposal in good faith. I am 42 years old married with two lovely kids. I have packaged a financial transaction that will benefit you and I; as the regional manager of the Barclays Bank of Ghana Ltd it is my duty to send in a financial report to my head office in the capital city Accra at the end of each business year. On the course of the last year 2005 business report, I discovered that my branch in which I am the manager made Ten million eight hundred thousand united state dollars ($10,850,000.00) which my head office is not aware of and will never be aware of.

I have placed this funds on what we call escrow call account with no beneficiary. As an officer of this bank I cannot be directly connected to this money, so my aim of contacting you is to assist me receive this money in your bank account and get 25% of the total funds as commission. There are practically no risks involved, the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law, it will be simply a bank-to-bank transfer, and all I need from you is to stand claim as the original depositor of these funds who made the deposit with my branch so that my head office can order the transfer to your designated bank account under few working days.

If you accept to work with me I will appreciate it very much as you are the first and the only person I am contacting for this transaction. At this juncture, I wish to tell you what prompted me to package this deal. I have a 9-year old daughter who has leukemia, a disease of the blood, and she needs a bone marrow transplant or she will die (emphasis mine). I want this transplanting to be done in any good children’s hospital in your country if there is one. Once this fund is transferred into your account, I shall resign from my job and bring my family to start a new life in your country. I would be grateful if you would help me invest my own part of the money in a very profitable business.

I have worked for this bank for the past 15 years yet I have nothing to show for it, my yearly income after tax is barely $ 2,500.00; I really need your assistance to secure this fund as soon as possible. My private phone number is +233 243331032 call me or send me mail as soon as you receive this message if you think we can work

together so that we can go over the details.

Truly yours,

Mr.Richard Kofi Addo

This guy's got all the makings of a great Dickensonian tale here; his daughter needs the money because she is deathly ill; he has nothing to show after slaving his life away at this heartless fucking bank; and it's got international intrigue. Not only can I feel good about helping this schlub and his family out, I'll be making a good chunk of change on the side. Win, win all around. I'll let you know how our conversation goes.