Some advice is given

So Bill Clinton calls me up about a week ago, and tells me that he needs some dirt on Chris Wallace from Fox News. Says he's going to get interviewed by him and wants to really be able to "grab this little puke by the nuts and swing him around."

I said, "Bill, in order to grab a dude by the nuts, those nuts have to have descended. You could save us both some time and just take a shot that he still wets the bed. Twenty bucks says he starts sniveling and crying if you just come out with that."

"Nah...", Bill says, "That's not what I need here, I don't think... You gotta help me C, like in the old days. Tell me what to do."

Now, "helping Bill out in the old days" meant one of two things: giving him strategy advice, or getting him girls. I was pretty sure he meant the former in this case.

Actually, though, as a side note, the girl thing was always a lot of fun. Sometimes I would just round up girls from hotel bars and swing 'em by the White House in the evenings. It usually wasn't a big deal because they kept Chelsea so coked out on Ritalin that she was generally comatose by 7pm, and most nights Hillary was up until the wee hours pushing figurines around this giant Risk board she kept in the basement. Other times, though (usually while we were in Europe), he and I would head out to bars and just pull chicks together. A lot of people were pretty embarassed by the quality of the ass that he got busted on, but if they'd only seen what I had, wow, they'd have been glad it was Lewinski... I think it was all the time at Cambridge or something, but he's always going for the girls that aren't all that hot because he thinks they'll be smarter or something. At any rate, it was great, because here I am with the leader of the free world, and he's nudging me and going, "The one in the glasses is mine, hands off." And I'm looking at this incredible piece of tail next to the bookish one, and I'm just like, "No problem, dude."

Anyway, so he asks me about the Fox interview, and I think for a moment and say, "You know what, have you read Dick Clark's book?"

"No," he says, "Is it about the Rockin' New Years thing?"

"No," I said, "Remember, he was your counter-terrorism chief. You wanted to give the job to some bumpkin, but I told you that this was one better left to the professionals... told you to get your head out of your ass..."

"Oh yeah!" says Bill, "Damn, I wish you'd given me the same advice on the travel staff."

I actually had told him that on the travel staff, but decided not to mention it.

"Anyway," I said, "Just read that book. Should give you all the ammo you need..."