Don't worry, Shaq, we've all done stupid shit before

Apparently Shaq, much like Elvis, has a little thing for law enforcement. It would also seem that officer Shaq and his cohorts made a major blunder, raiding the wrong house for child porno, freaking out some dude and his family.

I wouldn't be too hard on the Shaqster, though, we've all fucked shit up at one time or another. Like that time when instead of killing that Albanian terrorist, I killed an endangered condor, or that time when Sierra blew up that bus full of nuns instead of the 98 Degrees tour rig. These things happen, and you just have to let them, and the inevitable judgement of others, roll off your back. Don't let it get to you, Shaq. You're a good man regardless of this incident, or your free-throw percentage, or Kazaam!

Now, a lot of my fellow agents are probably groaning that I was even willing to bring up Elvis in the company of Shaq in this post. No offense to Shaq, but he's just trying to be a two-bit cop, while Elvis was an honorary federal agent, and is now, well, let's just say that now he's something even better than that.

See, Elvis realized that it's better to burn out than it is to rust in the music world, and instead of suffering in Vegas any longer than he had to, he hatched a plan. The plan was that while he was bulking up for his second career, that he'd buy a fat suit and keep singing, and then he would stage his death in the most undignified way possible, a way his most diehard fans would never believe.

This whole scheme was brilliant, and served several purposes. First, it threw people off on his new appearance, and second, since many people to this day doubt his death, the inevitable sightings of him would be written-off by most.

You've got to give a lot of credit to the man. Not only does he have more soul than any white guy who ever lived, but he's a calculating son-of-a-bitch.

So what's he up to now? Well, I can't tell you much, but I can let you in on one little exploit: You see, Saddam was no dummy. He knew that Tikrit was no place to hang out after the invasion. He took a bunch of cash and was long gone by the time the US Army cruised into Baghdad. Well, you can imagine Saddam's surprise when an older, strapped, American gentleman with killer sideburns strolled up to him on that beach in Thailand and crooned, "Well, you ain't nothin' but a hound-dog..."